Witness of Gor Page 3

  I heard the tread of those heavy sandals approaching. I put down my head, even lower. Then they passed.

  I, and doubtless the others, had been forbidden to look upon our captors. This was very unsettling to me. I wondered why this was. Yet I was, also, afraid to look upon them. I did not know what I would see. Why do they not wish us to look upon them, I wondered. Can their aspect be so terrible, or hideous, I wondered. Perhaps they are disfigured, I thought. Perhaps they are not truly human, I feared. Perhaps they are animals! Or, perhaps, to them, I am an animal! I did not want to be eaten! But I did not think they were animals. And I doubted that I would have been brought here to be eaten. Certainly I had not been fattened. Rather, given the meager diet to which I had been subjected, my figure had been excellently trimmed. This suggested an entirely different theory as to what might be one of my major values in such a place. To be sure, terribly frightened, I thrust this very thought immediately from my head. It was too terrible to even consider.

  I then heard, the sound frightening me, from back, near what must be the end of the line, the sound of several coils of chain thrown to the flooring.

  "Steady," said a voice near me.

  I heard other utterances, too, before me, and behind me, soft, soothing utterances, in other languages. Their import was perhaps similar.

  "Steady, little vulo," said the voice.

  I was very still. I did not know what a "vulo" was, of course.

  I could hear the chain approaching, slowly, pausing briefly by each item in the line, its links moving against one another. Too, shortly after each pause, there was a clear click, as of the meshing and fastening of metal. After a time, it was quite close, only a few feet behind me.

  I considered leaping up, running.

  But I would only have fallen, miserably.

  I was shackled.

  Too, where would one run?

  Most importantly, I knew that I would not have dared to leap up and run, even if I were not where and as I was. Only a fool, I thought, and understood, even at the time, would be so stupid as to disobey men such as these, in even the smallest way.

  I looked to my right, and before me. I could see the shadow there, on the floor, of the man who had spoken to me, it flung before him by some source of illumination, presumably a lantern such as I had seen earlier. He was clearly in a tunic, of some sort. Even in the shadow he seemed large, formidable. He, personally, was behind me, and to my left. He was carrying something in his right hand, which I could see in the shadow, coils of something, the coils stretched out, distorted somewhat, like the silhouette itself. I did not know what the coils might be. I suppose it was obvious but I did not even consider it at the time. Too, if I had known more of where I was, I would have found his mere location, behind me and to my left, a source of considerable apprehension. "Steady, little tasta," he said, soothingly. I did not know what a "tasta" might be. I had heard the expression 'tasta', and 'vulo', and others, used elsewhere by these men along the side of the line, ingredient among locutions in various languages. Such words, 'vulo' and 'tasta', I gathered, were words in their own language. We, of course, would not know their meaning.

  Suddenly I heard, beside me, the rattle of a chain, and before I could think of reacting, had I even dared, a metal collar had been placed about my neck and snapped shut. It, like the collar in the chamber, fitted closely. This was one collar, apparently, of a large number of such collars, for I could see the lower loops of a long chain, one interspersed with such collars, before me. In a moment what was before me was also in a collar. Then the chain and collars were being taken forward, again. The fellow who had been behind me now passed me, on my left. I suddenly then saw the lower loops of what he had been carrying. There was no mistaking it now, no way to misinterpret its appearance. I gasped, and almost fainted.

  It was a whip!

  After a time two new chains were brought forward, each attached, in turn, down the line, so that, in the end, one long chain was formed.

  We waited, those of us already attended to, heads down, on all fours.

  Then the last of us, the first in the line, was on the chain.

  We were all on the chain.

  They then began to speak to us, in various languages. In mine I heard, "Kneel in the following fashion, keeping your head down. Kneel back on your heels, with your knees widely spread. Keep your back straight. Hold your shoulders back. Keep your hands back, and to the sides. The chain on your manacles is to be tight against your waist."

  I gathered that our "instruction," now that we had been "placed and aligned," had begun.

  Men passed down the line, adjusting positions here and there. When one approached me I drew my hands back as far as I could, to the sides, at my waist, given the length of chain that joined my metal wristlets. I could feel the links of the chain deeply in my flesh. I forced my knees as far apart as I could manage.

  "Good," said the man, and continued on, down the line.

  In time it seemed that we were all in the position desired.

  Again the voices spoke, in diverse languages. In my own language, I heard, "Your heads are bowed in submission. Your bellies are under the chain."

  I did not raise my head, of course. I had not been given permission to do so. I looked down. The chain was tight against my waist. There were even marks of the links there. My belly, I had been told, was beneath the chain. What could that possibly mean?

  We were left there for a time, in that fashion, kneeling, unattended to, our necks fastened together by the chain.

  The men had withdrawn somewhat, I would guess to the end of the line. Their voices now came from behind me. They sounded as though they were several yards away. Perhaps they were at the end of the hall. I could hear them conversing, in their own language, whatever it might be, that language I could not place, that language which seemed so unfamiliar as a whole, and yet in which I detected, or seemed to detect, from time to time, like an image suddenly springing into focus, a familiar sound, perhaps even a word I knew.

  I knelt as I had been positioned, my head down, the chain pulled back, taut, at my waist. This rounded, and emphasized, my belly. It called attention to it. There was my belly, with its rounded softness, and, over it, the chain, its links now warmed by my own flesh, but still, though flesh-warmed links of steel, inflexible and merciless. My belly, I had been informed, was beneath the chain.

  I did not dare to move.

  What did it mean, that my belly was beneath the chain?

  I would later become extremely familiar with such positions, but they were, at the time, quite new to me, and somewhat frightening. What most frightened me about them was the way they made me feel. It was not merely that, in them, I felt profoundly stirred. In them, helplessly, vulnerably, I also sensed a personal rightness. I knew that in some sense I belonged in them. This was in contradiction to my entire upbringing, background, education, and conditioning. Could such things have been wrong?

  Let us return to the position which had been dictated to us, there in the corridor. It was, of course, a lovely one. There is no doubt about that. But you must understand that much more was involved here. It was not merely that the line of us, the fifty of us, or so, were well revealed in this position, excellently and uncompromisingly exhibited, but there was involved here more profound meaningfulnesses. Let us consider merely two or three aspects of the position. That our shoulders must be well back accentuates, of course, our figure. This calls to our attention, and to that of others, our unique, special and beautiful nature, that it is not to be hidden, or denied, or betrayed, but openly acknowledged, even celebrated. We must be, unapologetically, what we are. The symbolism of kneeling, itself, is doubtless obvious. So, too, perhaps, at least upon reflection, may be the symbolism of the opening of our knees, and what it tells about what we are. But I was not fully aware of this at the time. I was aware only that I felt terribly vulnerable. This makes clear our vulnerability. My own thighs felt inflamed at this exposure. Had someone so much
as touched me with the tip of his finger I think I might have screamed. But there are various positions, kneeling and otherwise, and each has many significances.

  Why were we now kneeling here, unattended to? Had we been forgotten? Must we wait, as though we might be nothing? I could hear the men speaking. Were they discussing us? Were they commenting on us? Might I, or some of the others, be being spoken of, in particular? Were they consulting records, were they checking off items on a list, or perhaps making entries?

  We knelt, becoming more and more sensitive to our position, absorbing more and more deeply into our very beings and bellies its nature.

  We knelt, chained, unclothed, fastened together by the neck, in a primitive corridor, heavy doors to the sides, doors to damp, straw-strewn cells or kennels, from which we had been removed. We knelt, forbidden to look up, forbidden to speak.

  We waited.

  Obviously we were not important.

  We waited, neglected.

  That we could be kept in this way, and as long as others wished, became clear to us.

  Who were these men, that they could treat us in such fashion?

  What could we be to them?

  We had not even been permitted to look upon them. I was afraid to learn what they looked like, but I wanted to know. I did not think they were animals. I thought they were human. I wondered if they were fully human. Why did they not permit us to look upon them? Could they, for some reason or another, be so terrible to look upon? Who were they? Or, what were they? They seemed men, to be sure, but they did not seem men in the sense, or in the ways, in which I had grown accustomed to think of men. In some senses they seemed quite different. Who, or what, were they? I wanted to know, desperately. But, too, I was afraid to learn.

  We knelt there, learning our unimportance, understanding more and more clearly our vulnerability and helplessness, and experiencing sensations, unusual and troubling sensations, sensations which were very deep and profound.

  Then the men were amongst us again, and one stood quite close to me, a bit to the left, before me.

  He was perhaps a yard from me.

  The chain on my neck extended to the collar in front of me. I could feel its weight, and I could feel, at the back of the collar I wore, the weight of the chain there, leading back to the collar behind me.

  I could see the heavy bootlike sandals.

  He was to the left of the chain before me, almost at the shoulder of the preceding item on the chain.

  My head was down. I dared not look up.

  I began to tremble.

  But I held position as well as I could.

  He was close!

  In whose power were we?

  I heard voices before me, down the line, in order, approaching, and heard, shortly thereafter, one after the other, gasps, and soft cries.

  I kept my head down.

  I was terribly frightened, and terribly aware of the presence of the man before me.

  "You may lift your heads," I heard. "You may look upon us."

  I lifted my head and gasped. I cried out, softly, an inarticulate, unrestrainable sound, one of incredible relief, even of joy, one consequent upon the release of incredible tension, one consequent upon the discharge of an almost unbearable emotion.

  He was human!

  He smiled and put his finger to his lips, a gesture that warned me that I was not to speak, a gesture with which I was familiar, from my own cultural background. I did not know if it were native to his as well.

  I heard the voices continuing behind me, and, down the line, more gasps, and cries.

  I looked up at the man near me. He was not now looking at me, but, rather, looking back, behind me, down the line.

  Perhaps I was not important enough to be looked at.

  But I looked at him, wildly, drinking in all that I could. He was strikingly handsome. It took my breath away, to look upon him. But this handsomeness, you must understand, was one of strong, powerful features. It was not the mild, pleasant configuration which in some localities, such as those with which I was more familiar, those more germane to my own antecedents, was often mistaken for that quality. There was a ruggedness in the features. He was handsome undoubtedly, even strikingly so, as I have indicated, but this was in a simple, direct, very masculine way. He had seemed kind. He had smiled, he had put his finger to his lips, warning me to silence. He was a large, strong, supple man. He had large hands. He had sturdy legs. The legs disturbed me, for they were strong, and, in the tunic, brief, coarse, and brown, much revealed. He wore the heavy bootlike sandals that I had noted before. These, with their heavy thongs, or cords, came high on the calf. This footwear somehow frightened me. It seemed to have a look of menace or brutality.

  I was unutterably relieved that he was not looking at me.

  I had never seen such a man!

  I had not known such a man could exist!

  I did not know what I could do, or would do, if he so much as looked at me. I wondered, though I attempted to prevent the thought from occurring, sensing its immediate and inevitable appearance, what it might be to be in his arms. I tried to put such a thought from me, to banish it to the secret depths from which it had emerged, but I could not do so. It was more powerful than I. It was irresistible. I shuddered. I knew that, in his arms, I would be utterly helpless. Indeed, if he had even so much as looked upon me, I feared I might have begun to whimper, beggingly. Could this be I? What was I? What had been done to me? How was it that I could be so transformed, and so helpless, given merely the sight of such a man?

  But then, frightened, I looked wildly ahead, and about. So, too, it seemed, were the others. I looked at the other men. Again I gasped, startled. Again I was shocked. Again I could not believe what I saw. The fellow before me was not unusual, it seemed, though, given my previous acquaintance with men, surely I would have thought him quite unusual, if not unique. The other men, too, in their way, were strong, handsome fellows, and that, too, in an almost indefinable, powerful masculine way. This much disturbed me. They were dressed similarly to the fellow near me. They, too, wore tunics, some of them sleeveless, and, invariably, the same sort of sandals, sandals which might have withstood marches. Where was I, I wondered, that such men could exist?

  Again I looked up at the man near me.

  Then, suddenly, he looked down, at me.

  I averted my eyes, in terror.

  Never before anything had I felt myself so much what, irreducibly, now undeniably, I was.

  I trembled.

  It might have been not a man, but a beast or a god, or an animal, a cougar, or a lion, in human form.

  The only relation in which I could stand to such a thing was clear to me.

  Some other men passed by me, going to one part of the line or another. Some of them carried leather quirts. Others carried whips.

  They then began, along the line, and behind me, to talk to us. They did so quietly, soothingly.

  The fellow near me crouched down beside me. He turned my head, gently, to face him. I looked into his eyes. He put his left hand behind the back of my neck, over the metal collar, and the fingers of his right hand lightly over my lips. I was not to speak.

  "You have no name," he informed me.

  I did not understand this, but his fingers were lightly over my lips.

  He then stood up, and looked down at me. My eyes were lifted to his.

  "Do you wish to be fed?" he asked.

  I looked up at him, frightened.

  "You may speak," he said.

  "Yes," I whispered.

  "Do you wish to live?" he asked.

  "Yes," I said.

  Then he looked at me, frankly, appraisingly, unabashedly. I had never been looked at like that in my life.

  It seemed he would regard every inch of me.

  I could not even understand such a look.

  Or did something in me understand it only too well?

  Suddenly, piteously, I rose up from my heels, and, still kneeling, of course, lifted
my hands to him. Tears coursed from my eyes. I wept. I could not control myself. I could scarcely speak. But he seemed kind. He must understand. I knelt before him, in helpless petition. "Mercy," I wept. "I pray you for mercy!" I clasped my hands together, praying him for mercy. I lifted my hands to him thusly clasped, in desperate prayer, piteously. "Please!" I wept. "Please!"

  He looked down at me.

  "Please, I beg you," I wept. "Mercy! I beg mercy! Show me mercy! I beg it! I beg it!"

  His expression did not change.